Derek Hartley in Salt Lake City, UT (Utah)

Derek H. Hartley Age 49

New York, NY | Salt Lake City, UT

Also known as: spacuna/blog

I have never let an enormous lack of talent or focus stand in the way of my pursuit of stardom. My mother once told me that no one would ever discover me in the living room, but thanks to the internet, she was finally wrong. When I am not wasting my life online satisfying my need to know what other movie third actor from the left was in on IMDB.com, I am sucked into the vortex of my enormous television and all of it's high tech sidekicks. The DVR, while intended to make TV viewing more efficient, only serves to exponentially expand the amount of television one human brain can consume. Then again, Jeopardy is the best show ever when winnowed down to a zippy nine minutes. So, now I am virtually guaranteed never to have a meaningful existence outside my own head again, though my passive staring skills have never been sharper! I suppose I could leave my apartment now and again to eat complex culinary concoctions at Chelsea eateries with names that sound more like products from the Merck catalog, but it is always more tempting to multi-task at the multiplex by eating chicken strips and curly fries while watching the latest piece of crap starring third actor from the left. To be fair, my social life is not just on life support because I have constructed an overly comfortable womb far beyond the clutches of boystown and my pedestrian tastes and lack of style have largely alienated me from my homo brethern, although that is definitely true. In point of fact, I am chained to a radio microphone five days a week until late in the evening, which doesn't allow for much more human interaction than post-fun cocktails. In a way, it's all for the best given my incredible disdain for all people. I do not seek the adoration of millions in my hunger for fame. Instead, I only wish to erect an artificial emotional and physical barrier between me and all other people. Now, is that really too much to ask?

• #Alhambra High School
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